From my friends on Facebook :A family is at the dinner table. The son asks his father, ‘Dad, how many kinds of boobs are there?’ The father, surprised, answers, ‘Well, son, a woman goes through three phases. In her 20s her boobs are like melons, round & firm. In her 30s t o 40s, they are like pears, still nice but hanging a bit. … After 50, they are like onions’. ‘Onions?’ ‘Yes, you see them and they make you cry.’ This infuriated his wife and daughter, so the daughter said, ‘Mom, how many kinds of ‘willies’ are there?’ The mother smiles and answers, ‘Well dear, a man goes through three phases also. In his 20s his willy is like an oak tree, mighty and hard. In his 30s and 40s, it is like a birch, flexible but reliable. After his 50s, it is like a Christmas tree’. ‘A Christmas tree?’ ‘Yes — dead from the root up and the balls are just for decoration….lol
A woman takes a lover home during the day while her husband is at work. Her 9-year old son comes home unexpectedly, sees them, and hides in the bedroom cupboard. The woman’s husband also comes home. She puts her lover in the cupboard, not realizing that the little boy is in there already.
The little boy says, ‘Dark in here.’
The man says, ‘Yes, it is.’
Boy - ‘I have a football.’
Man - ‘That’s nice.’
Boy - ‘Want to buy it ?’
Man - ‘No, thanks.’
Boy - ‘My dad’s outside.’
Man - ‘OK, how much?’
Boy - ‘150′
In the next few weeks, it happens again that the boy and the lover are in the cupboard together.
Boy - ‘Dark in here.’
Man - ‘Yes, it is.’
Boy - ‘I have football boots.’
The lover, remembering the last time, asks the boy, ‘How much?’
Boy - ‘250′
Man - ‘Sold.’
A few days later, the boys’ father says to the boy, ‘Grab your boots and football, let’s go outside and have a game of soccer.
The boy says, ‘I can’t, I sold my ball and boots.’
The father asks, ‘How much did you sell them for?’
Boy - ‘400′
The father says, ‘That’s terrible to overcharge your friends like that.. That is way more than those two things cost. I’m going to take you to church and make you confess.’
They go to the church and the father makes the little boy sit in the confession booth and he closes the door.
The boy says, ‘Dark in here.’
The priest says, ‘Don’t start that again you little shit. You’re in my cupboard now.
A man was sick and tired of going to work every day while his wife stayed home. He wanted her to see what he went through so he prayed: ‘Dear Lord: I go to work every day and put in 8 hours while my wife merely stays at home. I want her to know what I go through. So, please allow her body to switch with mine for a day. God, in his infinite wisdom, granted the man’s wish. … The next morning, sure enough, the man awoke as a woman… He arose, cooked breakfast for his mate… Awakened the kids, Set out their school clothes, Fed them breakfast, Packed their lunches, Drove them to school, Came home and picked up the dry cleaning, Took it to the cleaners And stopped at the bank to make a deposit, Went grocery shopping, Then drove home to put away the groceries, Paid the bills and balanced the check book. He cleaned the cat’s litter box and bathed the dog… Then, it was already 1 P.M. And he hurried to make the beds, do the laundry, vacuum, Dust, and sweep and mop the kitchen floor. Ran to the school to pick up the kids and got into an argument with them on the way home. Set out milk and cookies and got the kids organized to do their homework. Then, set up the ironing board and watched TV while he did the ironing. At 4:30 he began peeling potatoes and washing vegetables for salad, breaded the pork chops and snapped fresh beans for supper. After supper, He cleaned the kitchen, Ran the dishwasher, Folded laundry, bathed the kids, and put them to bed. At 9 P.M. He was exhausted and, though his daily chores weren’t finished, he went to bed where he was expected to make love, which he managed to get through without complaint. The next morning, he awoke and immediately knelt by the bed and said: - Lord, I don’t know what I was thinking. I was so wrong to envy my wife’s being able to stay home all day. Please, Oh! Please, let us trade back.. Amen!’ The Lord, in his infinite wisdom, replied: “My son, I feel you have learned your lesson and I will be happy to change things back to the way they were. But you’ll have to wait nine months, though. You got pregnant last night ;-)
A woman suspects her husband is cheating on her. One day, she dials her home and a strange woman answers. The woman says, ” Who is this?” “This is the maid,” answered the woman. “We don’t have a maid” , said the woman. The maid says, “I was hired this morning by the man of the house. The woman says, “Well, this is his wife. Is he there?” The maid replied, “he is upstairs in the bedroom with someone who I figured was his wife.” The woman is fuming. she says to the maid, “Listen, would you like to make $50,000?” The maid says, “What will I have to do?” The woman tells her, “I want you to get my gun from the desk, and shoot the jerk and the witch he’s with.” The maid puts the phone down; the woman hears footsteps and the gun shots. The maid comes back to the phone, “What do I do with the bodies?” The woman says, “Throw them in the swimming pool.” Puzzled, the maid answers, “But there’s no pool here.” A long pause and the woman says, “Is this 555-4821?”
A Grandma will allow her Grand kids to be who they are right now.
A Grandma thinks about her Grand kids even if they’re not with her.
A Grandma loves her Grand kids in a way that no one will ever understand.
A Grandma will be there for her Grand kids when no one else will.
A Grandma will ask God to take her instead of her Grandchild.
A Grandma will still love you ‘more’ even if her heart is broken.
If you have Grandchildren that you love as much as I love mine post as your status
For his birthday, Little Johnny asked for a 10-speed bicycle. His father said, “Son, we’d give you one, but the mortgage on this house is $280,000 & your mother just lost her job. There’s no way we can afford it.”
The next day the father saw Little Johnny heading out the front door with a suitcase. So he asked, “Son, where are you going?”
Little Johnny told him, “I was walking past your room last night and heard you telling Mom you were pulling out. Then I heard her tell you to wait because she was coming too. And I’ll be damned if I’m staying here by myself with a $280,000 mortgage & no bike.”
After nearly 50 years of marriage, a couple was lying in bed one evening, when the wife felt her husband, begin to massage her in ways he hadn’t in quite some time. It almost tickled as his fingers started at her neck, and then began moving down past the small of her back. He then caressed her shoulders and neck, slowly worked his hand down, stopping just over her stomach. He then proceeded to place his hand on her left inner arm, working down her side, passing gently over her buttock and down her leg to her calf. … Then, he proceeded up her thigh, stopping just at the uppermost portion of her leg. He continued in the same manner on her right side, then suddenly stopped, rolled over and became silent. As she had become quite aroused by this caressing, she asked in a loving voice, ‘Honey, that was wonderful. Why did you stop?’ To which he responded: ‘I found the remote.’
Two little boys, ages 8 and 10, are excessively mischievous. They are always getting into trouble and their parents know if any mischief occurs in their town, the two boys are probably involved. The boys’ mother heard that a preacher in town had been successful in disciplining children, so she asked if he would speak with her boys. The preacher agreed, but he asked to see them individually. … The mother sent the 8 year old in the morning, with the older boy to see the preacher in the afternoon. The preacher, a huge man with a deep booming voice, sat the younger boy down and asked him sternly, “Do you know where God is, son?” The boy’s mouth dropped open, but he made no response, sitting there wide-eyed with his mouth hanging open.. So the preacher repeated the question in an even sterner tone, “Where is God?!” Again, the boy made no attempt to answer. The preacher raised his voice even more and shook his finger in the boy’s face and bellowed, “WHERE is GOD?!” The boy screamed & bolted from the room, ran directly home & dove into his closet, slamming the door behind him. When his older brother found him in the closet, he asked, “What happened?” The younger brother, gasping for breath, replied, “We are in BIG trouble this time!” “GOD is missing, and they think WE did it!”